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Is it any wonder why I cry?

Is it any wonder that I am so alone?

Mr. White, the psychology teacher had sat me down, and talked with me a little bit about my behavior... He told me I had done nothing wrong, and that I was one of his best students- when I asked what was wrong, he then told me that I was pretty good at hiding- but he knew the same pain I am going through, he had observed my loner behaviors in the hallways- he knew I wasn't completely alright, though I had made a handful of friends here since the big move to my Father's, and that though I laughed and smiled often, there was something deeper- something that was so obvious that it was also so easily overlooked...

A dear family member of his had died about a year ago, too- Mr. White considered him much like a son... He knew of my pain from loosing my mother, and he could see the deadened look in my eyes that I had tried to hide for so long... In all honesty, I thought I was alone- that I was the only one of my circumstance- of having lost someone I held so, so dear...

I broke down again for maybe the fifth time at school after realizing I had been so selfish- so completely egotistical as to pretend that everything was alright for everyone else... That I had to be exactly like everyone else, and I had told him I was being so stupid- but he assured me that the only thing that I did that was so 'Stupid', was that I was trying to fight how I felt- and that I had been trying to fight it for so long, and for so damn hard... Before, I had broken down in the office because I couldn't bottle it up any longer, but again I shoved it all aside for the mere sake of my own appearance to myself. It has been a few days now since school has ended, but I took his advice to heart- I needed to do something about my pain- about how terrible I still feel even though it has almost been a whole year since my Mother's death... I needed to stop pretending that the smile on my face was genuine, and actually find the time to grieve- to release all of this pain, sorrow, terror, fear, and misled anger that had settled me deep into a denial I surely thought was the feeling of security- I realize now that even though I am safe at home with my Dad, I am not safe inside my own mind- that though there is nothing to fear, I am afraid of everything- which completely stops progress with my life... A mask can only go so far when it comes to the so-called protection of the self...

I broke down again today- and I finally asked for the help I know I have needed, and denied for so long... Whenever I hear other teenagers make a mockery of their parents, I am always tempted to cry out, to scream the sincerest of feelings I have towards that kind of behavior from selfish children. I have been afraid of silly things that will come regardless of how hard I wish to apply the breaks on life- it still baffles me that I am going to be a senior in High School next year... It may sound absolutely ridiculous, but I am terrified of what may be to come, I sit and cry like a terrified child when I think about it... I do not feel ready for it- though everything may seem secure, I am completely terrified and feel no security. But like everything else, I had bottled it all up- How long can this possibly last, how long can I possibly remain in composure before it all shatters like glass? I hope to begin therapy sessions soon- though I have tried to help myself, the truth of it is that I never knew where to begin, and sometimes a third eye brings about a better perspective...

Heaven knows I need that third eye- Stability isn't what it used to be for me, and though I have people to talk to and resources to find refuge in, I am not strong enough to stand on my own anymore- it turns out that I never really have been... Though I was functional before- I realize that it was hardly so... That it wouldn't have taken much to fall over the edge into a thoughtless, depressive oblivion in which I fear I would have never gotten out of... All because of my own denial...

Despite my last journal entry ending on a somewhat happy note, I feel now that I must stop lying to myself, that I must stop being so stubborn and find the help I know I have needed for so long...

I want to begin healing.... "If you believe you can do it, then you are already half-way there"...

From the words of Theodore Roosevelt, I find myself beginning to believe something that I hadn't for a long time...

I can feel better- I can heal.


United States

Nicknames: Sa.Spence. Sasafras, Grace, Mother hen, Sassy, Buggs, Ash. Ashley,P.I.B.(Pain in the butt), Twigette... And several others involving orange hair.

Real Name: Not sharing.

Religion: Christian, but I don't tie myself to anything.

Favourite genre of music: Everything but country or rap.
Favourite photographer: Havent found one yet.
Favourite style of art: Anime.
Favourite cartoon character: Buggs Bunny
Favorite actor: Hugh Jackman.
Favorite book: Ashes in the wind.
Favorite subject in school: Idk.

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seralune Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2014  Professional Artisan Crafter
Thanks for the fav for my 'Doragon no tamago' pendant :hug:
BlindspiritLeather Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2014
Thanks for the +Fav!!
Odditorium Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the :+fav: Miss TwiztedDagger ~ :tip-hat: 
s-kmp Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2014
:w00t: Thanks for the Fave on White Browed Coucal :)
Gnewi Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconthankyouflowerplz: for the fave! :love:
bsguru Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fav!
TimeRoses Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fave :sing:
gabriellejoya Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2014  Professional Interface Designer
Thanks so much for the :+fav:!
casteeld Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014
thanks for the fav =) (Smile)
Joetheone Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fav =)
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